It’s nights like these that I realize just how lucky I really am.
I’m drunk. I’m a loving drunk. My ability to love is much more obvious then.
We have just returned from a five-day weekend. We went to Asheville for Iced Earth concert. Then the next morning, I drove to Atlanta with Theus and Bear went with Turtle back home. This requires it’s own blog some other time when I’m sober. So many strange things happened then and today, too.
Anyway, tonight, after a day full of anxiety and worries, we relaxed with alcohol. And I got to thinking.
How much I love the people in my life.
How I love Bear. He is so full of strength and honesty. He is wise and immature at the same time. He has odd sense of humor that just makes my day at odd times. He has this amazing smell that is just so different and so unique. He is so real to me, so perfect to me after five years together, that I just can’t believe that I’m so lucky to have him sometimes. He plays music for me at times that were played during the times we were first dating and I know he does this to express his total love to me. I love him for having special ways of showing love to me. I love him for trying to show that love to Turtle, too. It took him a long time with me, so I know it’s hard for Turtle at times. I love him for working so hard for us to have a great life together, for wanting to create that love in the form of a child between us.
How I love Turtle. She is fragile, but strong. It’s a strange contradiction that I struggle with at times. She has this sweetness to her that contradicts her daily professional act. She has her own odd sense of humor so different from everyone else that just tickles me. She is a wonderful mother, a wonderful lover, and she tries her best to give all she can of herself. Sometimes, all of her sides scare people, but for her to share that much of herself is amazing to me. She did this because she loves us, and in turn makes me love her all the more. I love how she smells, and I love how she really is. She may be difficult for me to understand, but this is okay to me because I have all my life to understand it. I’m not in any hurry.
How I love Theus/Gentle Dog. He is a total giver, a total caretaker, a total lover. He also has his own unique smell that I need when I am around him. I love his ability to appreciate the little things I do for him and I love the little things he does for me. I love the things he says to me and his ability to share all of his thoughts to me in a way that is unique to only him. I love his temper, his blunt honesty, and his mischief. I love how he loves his dogs, his children, and his wife. He apologizes for being drunk or being too honest, usually because he’s afraid of driving people he loves away, and I love him for his concern, for his need to hold on to the people he loves. I love him for his humor and the way he sees life.
I love each of them for the different ways they express their love. I love each of them for the ways they communicate, because they have such special facial expressions unique to them. I love the ways they love me in return. They do so much for me that I don’t know how I can reciprocate. How do I deserve them? How do I have such different, amazing, sexy people in my life? They just can’t know how MUCH I love them. Turtle thinks that I think she is crazy, but I think she is just so amazing. She is so … her. I don’t know how to explain how she really is to me, but the feelings are strong.
And I love my family.
They mean so much to me.
I wish I knew how to express all of this every single day. I think that’s my new goal. To express my love to people I love every single day.
