How do I feel? Pleasantly surprised. It can’t be described in comparison terms. What I have with my husband has always been amazing. We act like newlyweds and we’ve been together 10 years. He is my protector, my guide, my translator, my hiding place, and my silly best friend. He is an endless pervert and he makes me laugh. I love him exactly the way he is. He is absolutely made for me. He s everything I’m not. We compliment each others strengths and weaknesses.
I am trusting, sensitive, insecure, and can always see good in every person. Tell me a bad story and I automatically respond with a reason they might be the way they are. He loves this about me, especially since he is so skeptical and protective. We need each other’s traits to balance us. I calm him and he protects me. He makes me feel like a Goddess in so many ways. He treats me carefully and is driven wild by everything about me. I can just look at him and his feet wiggle. I have no doubt that I drive him crazy sexually. I am limber, creative, and forceful. There isn’t anything missing in our relationship that we are trying to supplement.
I thought the idea of permission to try something new was exciting but it is very clear to all involved that this has very little to do with sex. Sex was our way of breaking down boundaries. It’s really difficult to maintain emotional distance once you’ve been with a person.
Our journey has been very slow and if you know anything about me, I’m especially restrained and cautious. I’m preoccupied with, ‘how does this look to others?’ (too much so.) Causal friends would be so shocked to know what we’ve done. I’m meek to those that don’t know me. My confidence is insufficient and I really rely on others to help me succeed.
My best friend sees past this façade and knows I’m actually aggressive. Too many things are being repressed on a daily basis. The world is not experiencing the real me. She helps me analyze how I used to be and how I am now. What has changed? I spend so much time worrying about what others see me as, I lose myself.
My husband knows all my secrets. He knows everything! I stress this because most situations, you will not say something because it’s not important, the story makes you look bad, or it would only hurt his feelings. But, no. He really knows everything from a confession about a fake pregnancy when I was a teenager to the size and styles and places of sexual adventures. He still loves me. He loves me more because I’m not perfect.
I keep going back to my husband not to coddle but to explain that we really don’t have anything missing from our relationship. We are a perfect fit. He’s more organized and physical and I’m more cognitive and symbolic. Finding someone with similar characteristics isn’t always the best match.
So, my best friend builds me up and I grow to really admire her wisdom. I fell for her brain. I’m not a lesbian. I really don’t like pussy. Mine is a pain. But, the more time I spent with her the more open I became to possibilities. I’ve always been open minded but pretty sure of things I wouldn’t do. It’s perfectly okay for others to do what makes them happy but I really need a penis to finish things off. I’ve never even touched another woman sexually. I thought it would be weird and similar parts would get in the way.
She always told me I was attractive but cynical, insecure me was sure she was just trying to make me smile. My best friend and I love each other. She is always here for me, whatever the need. She has an amazing mind that I can easily connect to. It can be hard to find someone so open, especially to the hot topics of religion, sexual preference, and definitions of a family. She helps me define myself in current context, not based on how I was raised or what was done to me. I have sisters but no one, except my husband, has ever been as close to me as her. I know I deeply love her. I am confident I would do anything to spare her pain. She is so much a part of me that I feel like she is me in a parallel life.
I actually asked about same sex relations and wanted to see how I felt about it. Saying is one thing but doing is totally different. I have found that I never really know how I’m going to react to anything until it’s happened. Just like in case of an emergency, will you be paralyzed or spring into action. You hope you will instantly know what to do but one never really knows what the body will do till it happens. She agreed to a kiss to test my reaction. Wow, she kisses good. Is it because I already love her? Is it because she knows me so well? Obviously, my reaction was positive. When I’m on, I’m on! I get aggressive and want everything now! She is wiser than me and told me to slow down. We played for awhile but only above the waist. I wanted more but she knew to take it slower. I misunderstood and felt rejected.
We talked about the experience a lot with each other, her husband, and mine. It was exciting and embarrassing. Many months went by before anything else occurred. The relationship between her and I was much closer though. I was still restrained but loved it when she casually would peck me ‘good bye’ after a shopping trip or something. I don’t think she even knows that I like that because I am so unable to express my feelings into verbal words.
One day she asked if my husband and I wanted to try an experiment. My husband, she, and I are very close. We talk constantly. We agreed eagerly and my husband was nervous about permission. She is very sexy and there is always something inside telling you that you can’t have this. She kissed me in front of my husband and it took passion to a new level. He was watching me, she was kissing me…oh my! I could feel the excitement radiating off my husband. She then asked if I would mind if she kissed my husband. I said of course not. This is what I wanted to see. To see how I felt when this happened. Jealousy? Would I automatically critique her and demean myself? I can be quite insecure. Nope. I saw my love kiss my love and it was so hot. I felt…Pride. I was proud of both of them. I felt like, “See, I told you he/she was good.” I can’t explain why sharing my husband is so passionate, it just is.
As girlfriends do, we spoke a lot about positions and what we like and don’t like, etc. Men just don’t connect on the level women do. Anyway, she sometimes spoke about positional problems that I didn’t have. I can’t actually help her with that but I wanted to. I kept thinking I could look at them and fix something, change the angle, I-don’t-know, but help her dilemma. Of course through any kind of learning, I connected her information to my base knowledge. I knew my husband would know more about positions than I would because we always fit together so well, no matter the angle. I often thought, I wish he could examine her and see if she’s any different on the inside or this is just normal. I never actually thought he would fall in love with her too and share his own experiences.
Sometimes I wondered if my friend was more talk than do. She said all these amazing things but was very light with us (in her level of involvement). She’s always been very selfless. She is genuinely interested in making others happy. She would often rather watch than participate in her own exploits. I worried that she wasn’t seeking her own satisfaction. Her husband is very good to her; I don’t want you to think he is remiss in his duties. He takes very good care of her. I can easily say she is spoiled by him. But, I notice in her descriptions that she is always very focused on others and neglects herself. I wonder if she has the esteem problem that I struggle with and that’s why she knows exactly the right things to say to me.
Her emphasis on theory rather than practice caused me to put the chances of delving any further in this experimentation at slim. Of course, I am impatient and if it’s not now, it’s not fast enough for me. I asked her to stay at my house while I went on an overnight business trip. My husband leaves very early in the morning and she lives far away so I doubted her ability to get back to my house with enough time for my husband to make it to work. She said she would. I told my husband that whatever happens while I’m gone, I won’t be mad. I wanted him to love her as much as I did but I also doubted it would get very far. As we had in the past, steps were taken very slowly and cautiously through her guidance.
I was kinda hoping that my husband might get a little oral because I’ve seen her skills on the web cam and I am NO competition. She is really good and I wanted my husband to experience that. Maybe they would bond a little deeper watching TV that night. Talk a bit more about situations and feelings. I knew they would talk about me. They both worry about me so much because I’m such a doormat for other people’s shit. I absorb all energies; good and bad.
When I came home, I found several surprises. They had bonded alright! He didn’t even go to work because they were having so much fun together. I don’t mean just physically (but they did go all the way there). I mean they have so much in common; music, personalities, and demeanor. They both talk constantly and pet to the point of annoyance. Not on their part but mine. I love the way my husband always has his hands on me but it also gets annoying when I’m trying to do something or it’s just too much. I can be cold and quiet. But, those two have found their equals in petting. Constantly and no limits!
My husband and best friend were being very coy about exactly what transpired while I was away. I waited patiently for them to get around to telling me by moving my mind to other topics. It actually took 2 hours to get to the whole story. They wanted to wait until we were all home and talk face-to-face. I didn’t believe them at first. Well, the story came so slowly I had a real hard time convincing myself that each level was accurate. You see, I know my husband would be open to whatever but I also knew my friend liked to take it slow and calculating. I also never really believed she’d go all the way, especially with her intimate complications.
Oddly enough my first reaction was not jealousy. My face always reveals my thoughts. I’m a terrible liar. My first thoughts were of pride again. I was proud of my friend. I can only imagine what it took for her to jump ahead of her reluctance. She is our speedometer. This leap was very surprising. I had to look to my husband for confirmation. They could have easily been exaggerating for a laugh and then revert to the truth, with a “it isn’t as bad as the other.” As they were breaking the news to me I muffled their words and watched their movements. I couldn’t read my friend. She’s always touchy and playful. It’s my husband who was the polygraph. Men, at least my men are always very careful about boundaries and he wouldn’t be touching her so casually if what they were saying wasn’t true. He must really have carnal knowledge of her to feel so comfortable sitting so close to her. Even if he was putting on an act, his hands would have stuttered not sure where to put them while they were talking…no stuttering here.
Okay, so they really did what they say they did. Wow. Well, “good job” honey. I was a little annoyed that he missed work but could understand in the circumstances. Her husband called during the ‘talk’ but it was just a quick scheduling call. I guess they needed to talk face-to-face as well. We stayed and talked much longer as I processed this new information. My insecurities began to creep in. I thought about how I was told to slow down. I began to feel undesired but I battled these thoughts with the firm knowledge that she wouldn’t have been brave enough this first time if I or her husband was here. They needed to bond at their own speed.
But still, my part in this started to shake. I knew I could make my husband climax simply with a look. I have so much sexual power with him. However, my sensuality with my friend was perhaps not as strong as her attraction with my husband. They know me very well and could see my mind drifting to a darker a place. So, my involvement was offered in the form of taking a shower together. I quickly felt desired again and after some memorable play she returned home to talk with her husband.
I don’t want to focus too much on how similar my best friend and husband are too each other because this is supposed to be my side of the story but it is real obvious now, why she is my best friend…she is so much like my husband! Well, with light of this new experience came the verbal question of can I love her husband. Well, yeah. I had thought about it a lot but not ‘out loud’ because you’re not suppose to think about someone else’s man. Mostly, I was nervous. I’ve been married for long time. Am I attractive? Would he even want me? It wasn’t a matter of me being attracted to him. That was a given. My hesitance was in regards to my own insecurities. It’s not that we were being forced in retaliation of my husband and her going faster than expected; it was to test how we all felt. Again, saying and doing are two totally different things. And even more difficult for me, her husband doesn’t say much.
He is very courteous and respectful. He would never step over the line. He’s not the kind of man that tells his wife friend, “Hey, you look good today,” or gives a playful pat. I’m lucky to get eye contact from him. He’s always intrigued me though. As with his wife, I absolutely love his mind. He is so cultured and intelligent. He was gifted with brilliance yet he’s modest and submissive. He’s the kind of guy in that in high school, you would always find with his head in a book. But, don’t envision the skinny, pale, pocket protector, plastic glasses, and pocked completion guy. Oh no, he is way different. He has dark features that I feel a deeper connection with. He has long dark hair that just begs for fingers to weave through. He has broad shoulders and chest that look like he could stop a bull from charging, deep brown eyes and long lashes, that you must earn a glimpse at because they are the only involuntary indicator that he expresses. He is most certainly the epitome of the phrase, “strong, silent type”. He has such control over his body, it’s inspirational. But, I’ve never allowed myself to think of him.
He can be difficult for me because I rely on body language to tell me what a person really feels. As I said before, I trust everyone. I do not have a second sense about dangerous people. My only skill in this social requirement is to judge body placement, hands, eyes, movements, and stance and compare them to their words. I don’t put much faith in words. I guess I am quite similar to her husband. I don’t talk as much, pet as much, I don’t even make eye contact readily. I feel as well as he must, that you can see right through me if you look in my eyes. He and I are a lot alike. We have both tried to internalize our pasts. He is known for not talking, remaining perfectly still and erect. In this, he can be quite the tactical asset. There are so many things to admire about him.
In recent years, I’ve grown to truly respect him as a man. He has incredible intellect and yet he is willing to work all hours doing any kind of manual labor to take care of his family. No job is beneath him and no work is too difficult. He has embodied my image of a real man. Protective, selfless, and dedicated. I find myself wanting to be one of those he protects.
With my insecurities and his quiet nature it took us awhile to actually believe that one found the other appealing. We decided that we needed time without the influences of my husband and his wife to see if we could connect, not only intimately but emotionally. I cannot do this without love. I need an understanding of private exclusivity. I need a relationship. I’m not looking for more creative sex play. If I want that, my husband can give that to me ten-fold. I want my love to expand the way it does when you have more than one child.
That is what I have been so surprised about. The risk for jealousy isn’t here because these relationships aren’t similar. What I have and do with my husband little resembles what I have and do with her husband. It’s not he does this; I wish you would. It’s just amazing what I can feel for him and yet my bond with my husband has only strengthened because there is trust and complete communication.
I think it is really amazing how easily her husband and I bonded. Again, my focus is not sexual. I needed to see if he could open up to me. I want him to love me, to protect my heart, to express a genuine desire for my touch, to know me, and allow me to know him. For him to open up to me, makes me feel elite. For anyone to connect with him on a level surpassed forced eye contact; is rare and should be treasured.
Obviously, we connected just fine. Amazingly enough I received more than I expected…in so many ways. He was able to open up with a little guidance. I received more than just the eye contact I craved. He was expressive, silly, gentle, and genuine. By the 24 hour mark we were playful. Actually playful!
When we were comfortable enough, we video chatted with our counterparts at the other house. It was neat to see my husband so far away. He is adorable and lying next to my best friend, he just fit. They are so cute together. Then, I looked at the image of me and the man I was with and I thought, “Gee, we look good together.” I marveled at the little things he could do on the computer. He’s masculine and smart. I find that very appealing.
Today, we got back together with our spouses and went out to lunch, a lot closer than we’ve ever been. I am excited as to what the future holds for us and ready for everyone to come back together as an equally loving group. I am so proud at what we have achieved and grateful to my friend for opening my mind, my heart, and my family. She’s given me more than I could ever repay. I love all my spouses.
- Wounded Turtle
note: This blog was written exclusively for my partners before the idea of blogging came up. So, this was written not today, but July 20th.
